Please return my stuff

This post is dedicated to you, the lowlife who stole the care package sent from my mom. The mailman remembers climbing the stairs and placing it in front of my door at precisely 2:05 p.m. on Monday. Yet just three hours later, it was no where to be seen. I hope you're enjoying that spice rack, a late housewarming gift. And the serving tray decorated with photos taken during my trip to Europe, enjoy that, too. If I knew you were actually using these things, I might feel a little better. But I'm pretty sure that once you opened the package and found these worthless items (worthless to you, at least), you probably tossed them in the nearest dumpster along with the 80s T-shirt you took a couple weeks ago.